“I’d join Co-Dependents Anonymous if I could find someone to go with.”

My neighbor thought MY yard was HER view. Error. Her yard is HER view– the very view she purchased and the lot she got.

City ordinances, rely on plot plans to define “yours and mine” as we co-habituate and differentiate with fences, signs, walls, hedges, lawns, moats, and maybe an alligator or two.

Similarly, your energy, attitudes, beliefs, feelings, gestures, facial expressions and words broadcast your plot plan. Are you “expansive or limited,” “available or unavailable,” “open or closed,” “friendly or dangerous?”

Boundaries you choose are self-fulfilling prophesies that you’re your beliefs about “reality.”

You create what you accept or reject which ultimately determines what you accept or reject. Too rigid and you miss warmth and connection. Too open and you may lack discernment and may believe anything you hear and buy what you don’t really want.

If someone “gets under your skin” you’re the one who let them in to your boundary of flesh as you decide if they’re compelling, intriguing, annoying or cloying. Your boundaries are your call, your circus, your monkeys.

Like all animals, we sniff each other out to decide if it’s safe to enter another’s space or not. In my fifty-three years as a relationship coach (and wedding minister) I’ve witnessed the nourishing power when individuals and teams consciously define their preferred “yes or a no,” “stop and go.”

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES are SELF- HONORING!

In the book, “The Giving Tree” the tree winds up cut down, abused and stumped. It’s not a happy allegory for a happy life. You honor your gift of life by taking loving care of yourself.

Your self-imposed beliefs about your possibilities or limits are influenced by those you emulate. As a baby, you were fully dependent. You had to be to get the milk or you would die. If you were lucky, you were taught to be dependent, codependent, independent, and finally, inter-dependent. Do folks you hang out with now, in this space in time, help you have fun at your expanse or do they control and limit you?

Healthy emotional boundaries come with knowing that you’re terrific as you are and as you are becoming. They remind you that as you are becoming is becoming to you.

When you separate your feelings from another person’s feelings, you “individuate.” Which leaves you free to determine how much empathy you feel. If someone else determines how you think and feel, they deprive you of this privilege; killing you softly with their song, telling your whole life with their words…” as the song goes.

Relationships that honor boundaries between “what’s me” and “what’s not me” helps you determine what behavior you will or won’t accept from yourself and others. Healthy relationships balance a give and take of thoughts, stories and kindness. Healthy boundaries open you to greater potentials and boost your self-esteem. You know if you tap into your wealth of possibilities because you feel terrific inside yourself. So, stay tuned to your feelings.

In a healthy relationship you are calm, safe, supported, respected, cared for, and accepted. You’re free to be who you are and encouraged to be the best version of you. When it comes to helping someone else, ask yourself, “whose problem is this?”

If it’s your problem, own it and solve it.

If it’s their problem, give them the privilege of solving it. It helps them grow up.

Relationships are a delicate dance of honoring ME, YOU of US preferences. To best bond– at home, work or play–everyone agrees to consciously honor each one’s code of ethics as they co-create “the rest of the story.”

PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES.

Physical boundaries include your body, personal space, and privacy. You react if someone stands too close or touches you inappropriately. For some, a violation of personal boundaries may be someone reading your mail or looking at your text messages. Physical neural-boundaries are based on comfort and culture. If someone “backs away’ from you, it may have nothing to do with you. It may simply mean that a visual boundary is misconstrued. You register visual comfort differently than someone else.

DO THIS: Take turns and see how far or near to someone you need to stand to you feel most comfortable. Then talk about it.

BOUNDARY SETTING FUN. Imagine a bubble of light around you and a different bubble of light around someone else and say to yourself, “I keep clear boundaries between you and me.” If you want to love that person (or persons), send a rainbow bridge from your heart to their heart. (You can take the bridge back whenever you choose.)

AFFIRM! “Reflect and absorb these ideas; I’m self-efficient and am 100% responsible for my joy. I lovingly keep clear, positive boundaries between ME, YOU and US so we maintain the beauty of our unique attitudes and preferences. I’m bound and determined to take loving care of my mind, body and spirit.”

Boundaries define you. They’re your invisible force field set and maintain to keep yourself alive and safe. They tell others, “Come a little bit closer.” or “back off.” They’re parameters that differentiate me from you and, us and when used wisely, they keep the good in and the bad out and they let others know the rules in your yard.

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Local Personality, Shelley Stockwell-Nicholas, PhD is a hypnotherapist, mindfulness and NLP trainer, artist and the author of 25 books. She certifies practitioners through the International Hypnosis Federation. You can call her at 310 541-4844.