A lot has been written on what the key ingredients of a happy relationship are: Affection, romance, communication, appreciation, respect, trust, acceptance, gratitude, compromise, patience, commitment, forgiveness, humor, and authenticity are some of the key elements of a happy relationship. Learning each other’s love language, and speaking it often is another key element.

As my husband and I reflected on what we could add to the list of what makes us happy together, we tried to extract our 6 secrets of happiness and researched what psychologists said on those topics.

Our secret # 1: Finding our MPS.

Harvard Positive psychology teacher Tal Ben-Shahar talks about his MPS method of finding what an individual wants to do in life. M stands for Meaning, P for Pleasure and S for Strength. Ben-Shahar draws three circles: One circle is for what gives you meaning, the second circle is for what gives you pleasure, and the third circle is for what you are good at. The goal is to find what activity or activities are at the intersection of those 3 circles, the activities that give you meaning, pleasure and that you are good at and to commit to those ones.

My husband and I go one step further. We draw three circles but instead of each circle being for one person only, we draw each circle for us as a couple. We brainstorm for what gives both of us meaning, what gives both of us pleasure and what we are good at together and we commit to those activities. We determine what long-term goal we want together as a couple in the future and work in the present with small steps towards this long-term goal.

Our secret # 2: We spend quality time not only with each other but also with people we care about and who care about us.

Indeed, in the Harvard study where Dr. Robert Waldinger and colleagues studied a first generation of adults from 1938 until now (for the last 75 years), the number one predictor of happiness was quality time spent with people we care about and who care about us. It was also the number one predictor of physical health and longevity. Dr. Waldinger comments in his Ted talk that, in his study, people who were the happiest at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. Those people replaced work friends with play friends when they retired.

At the beginning of the study, the people interviewed thought money, fame and high achievements would be the most important things in their lives. But when those same people were asked 75 years later what the most important things in their lives had been, they said the most important was quality time with family, friends, and people in their community. When asked what regrets they had in their lives, they said they regretted not having spent enough quality time with their loved ones.

This was confirmed by Bronnie Ware (Australian palliative care) in her book The top five regrets of the dying where she describes that the top two regrets were not spending more time doing what they were passionate about and not spending enough time with their loved ones.

Our secret # 3: We do new things together on a regular basis.

We go on new hikes together, meet new people together, explore new stores, new places to eat, listen to new books on tape together and we go on new and exciting trips together. The more numerous new experiences we have together, the closer we feel to each other.

Indeed, a study published in the Journal of Experimental social psychology shows that novel activities boost relationship satisfaction through higher feeling of security in addition to growth. Positive arousal emotion as well as relying on each other, trusting each other, offering and receiving support to each other are hypothesized to be the important factors.

Our secret # 4: We have reassuring habits.

We have reassuring habits of hugging, telling each other love words, and thanking each other every day.

It could seem paradoxical that we need the combination of new activities and regular old habits, but I would push the paradox one step further in saying that we also make it a regular old habit to do new activities every week.

We make it a habit to hug and tell each other that we love each other every morning when waking up and every night before going to sleep. We thank each other every day for what we perceive the other did for us or for what the other brings us. This is very reassuring and soothing for each other. It also prevents us from wasting time worrying about the other’s feelings.

Our reassuring habits have a similarity to going to the gym on a regular basis. If we only go to the gym once every 3 months, that gym will be difficult and we will be sore afterwards but if we go to the gym every day or every other day, our muscles will be used to the movements which will come easy to us. Hugging, loving, and thanking each other is the same thing. If we only do this once every 3 months, it will be awkward. We won’t know how to do it and it will feel strange afterwards but if you do this every day, it will be much easier and will become second nature.

Our secret # 5: We allow each other to feel and express unhappiness.

We accept each other as being humans which means that we know that happiness cannot be there all the time. We each have moments of sadness, anger, frustration, etc. and we stay with the awareness of the moment, with what is true for us. We express our sadness, anger, frustration, or whatever feeling is real and true for us in the present moment. We make a point of hearing each other, finding solutions together, and being there one for another at any moment of our journey on earth together.

Our secret # 6: We never take each other for granted.

We always make each other feel special and try to conquer each other’s heart as if we were still dating.

For us as a couple, happiness is deeper than pleasure with an additional feeling of purpose and meaning, with the satisfaction of growing together, learning together, evolving together on the complex and unpredictable journey of life.

Every couple will have their own definition of happiness and their own secrets. What are your happiness secrets?

Sharing happiness secrets might help others find their own happy road and give more meaning to their own life.

Written by:
Chris E. Gilbert, MD, PhD

www.DrChrisGilbert.com
Author of “The Listening Cure” (SelectBooks 2017) available in paperback, ebook and audiobook formats and author of “The French Stethoscope” a memoir (Iuniverse 2010) and "Dr. Chris’ A, B, C’s of Health" (Iuniverse 2010)

Co-author with Eric Haseltine PhD of “Riding The Monster: Five ways to innovate inside bureaucracies” (Discovery Democracy Press 2021)
Writer for PsychologyToday in Heal the mind to heal the body

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Chris E. Gilbert, MD, PhD

Chris Gilbert, MD, PhD (www.DrChrisGilbert.com) is a full time author and public speaker. Her books include “The Listening Cure” (SelectBooks 2017) available in paperback, ebook and audiobook formats, “The French Stethoscope” a memoir (Iuniverse 2010) and "Dr. Chris’ A, B, C’s of Health" (Iuniverse 2010). She is also a writer for PsychologyToday.

Dr. Chris was in private medical practice in Torrance, California (Integrative Medicine using a combination of Homeopathy, Acupuncture, Gestalt Therapy, Bio-identical Hormones, Supplements, Herbs as much as conventional Medicine). She did a surgical residency at Harbor UCLA and a medical internship at UC Irvine. Previously she worked for Doctors Without Borders in Mozambique, Sri Lanka, Mauritania and China (taking care of refugees). She has a MD, PhD from the university of Cochin Port-Royal in Paris where she was born.

Website: www.DrChrisGilbert.com
Author of “The Listening Cure” (SelectBooks 2017) available in paperback, ebook and audiobook formats and author of “The French Stethoscope” a memoir (Iuniverse 2010) and "Dr. Chris’ A, B, C’s of Health" (Iuniverse 2010)

Co-author with Eric Haseltine PhD of “Riding The Monster: Five ways to innovate inside bureaucracies” (Discovery Democracy Press 2021)
Writer for PsychologyToday in Heal the mind to heal the body